clients i'll never forget

he was an elderly gentleman in his early eighties, slouched just slightly in his chair with his hands folded and pressed into his lap. softspoken with a warm, scratchy voice that came out just above a whisper, but still deliberate in the formation and pronunciation of his carefully chosen words. eyes focused with lips almost imperceptibly pursed in concentration- a far off voice from somewhere in the corner persisted in asking him such silly things as the year and the season, but if so silly why is it so hard to form a reply? why indeed... but still a smile! oh what gentle, good humor and understanding, whose dementia thankfully forgot or chose not to reflect remembrance that i walked in on him yesterday as he sat on his commode, bare and staring at me questioningly, head tilted to the right, as i stumbled over awkward words and right on out.

one body of quiet, unnatural calm; dignity; and overwhelming loss in an ocean of smells and glares and noises and jostling elbows.

today i left him sitting in the blue shadows of his room, chanced half a glance back and thought i wouldn't make it. paused for a moment outside his door, just a moment, to lean against the wall with my head down, neatly filing away my OBJECTIVE and PROFESSIONAL and COST EFFECTIVE judgment of this wonderful man, while also biting down, hard, on everything else. just a moment.

joy-full

this past wknd was my first full wknd off in nearly two months, and i took most of this week off as well (from my evenings/wknds part-time job, at least). such wise and intuitive decisions translated into:

+ my first swim (ever!) in the deliciously cool, clean waters of lake michigan
+ getting all tangled up at a free outdoor mambo class in grant park
+ picnic-ing in perfect weather with perfect strawberries/dark choco/wine/cheese/pizza- & then some
+ my first happy hour/dinner outing with colleagues from the newish job
+ harry potter 7.2!
+ several potlucks served over thoughtful, soul-searching, comforting conversations
+ a slumber party, as my apt was utilized as an emergency cooling shelter :)
+ serving and engaging in fellowship with the women of breakthrough urban ministries
+ the discovery of a wonderfully homey cafe tucked away in oak park
+ reading for pleasure, inspiration, imagination
+ spending more quality time with charlie (my fish)
+ journaling- gathering, examining, reflecting on the thoughts and feelings that have been swirling around in my tummy and my mind

and, most importantly, a happier, healthier, rejuvenated me.

i emergency-texted a good friend while at work just before this mini-notreally-vacation: "i'm in a funk. can you de-funk me?" i was legitimately alarmed about the heaviness that had been weighing on my heart for the past few days, especially because i couldn't quite pinpoint the source and because it felt so unfamiliar. i tried writing out an RCA (root cause analysis)...

unsurprisingly, the heaviness just looked at that RCA like "say whaaa?"

and then, i breathed in freedom.
freedom for a wknd + a little more.
time for self,
time for others,
time for god,
time to "do me."

i'm learning.
i'm learning.
i'm learning...about my limitations.

the past two days in particular have been
extraordinarily
peaceful,
inspirational
joy-FULL!
beyond measure.

and, i plan on being in bed by 10p sharp tonight.

light as a feather.
:)